Inversion of a new leaf

Along my journey I am hoping to not just work on my nutrition and body but also my mind.

I recently went to my first satsang and it was really amazing. I realised that I was out of my comfort zone because I went by myself and I really had no idea what I was attending. Is this a cult? Is it going to be too religious? Is this going to change my life?

I was met at the door by a woman who showed me around and was so profoundly spiritual and also very eccentric and made no apologies for who she was. I felt incredibly inward and self aware.

The first part of the ceremony is chanting Hindi to live music. At first I was totally bamboozeled and self conscious trying to keep up with the exotic melody whilst trying to decipher the language. Eventually I just felt myself give way to the feeling rather than trying to be correct and it was truly beautiful and I felt so much more energetic.

Then the host spoke for a while which was inspirational and all I could do was sit there with a goofy smile. Until he said "now we need to get into groups of three and discuss how successful and unsuccessful our meditation practice has been this week".

I felt my whole body seize up and the warm glow I had been experiencing disappeared instantly. It was at this point in time I realised that my defence mechanism (you know, fight or flight) is very definitely FLIGHT. RUN AWAY! But I didn't. I look around like a lost lamb until I spotted the lady who I met at the door and she ushered me over.

I listened to the people telling their stories of why they were here. Loss, divorce, depression. And they turned to me and all I could say was "I'm here to find me".

And I do think I uncovered a little part of myself that night that I have been denying.

In the next few days I went to yoga and my teacher said, "Well its definitely Spring, I think I'm going to shake things up a bit - remove some cobwebs." She began to just give us various difficult poses always saying, "Don't worry if you can't do it, just try." Followed often by "And smile!"

Towards the end of the class she said, "Let's try some inversions." I felt that same tightening of my chest. A flush into the cheeks. RUN! I can't do handstands. I'm too fat. I'm not strong enough. What if I fall over? What I hurt myself?

Recognizing this feeling from the other night at satsang. I quickly put out the fire. No, in the spirit of my recent self-discovery and also in the spirit of this yoga class, I decided to just have fun. It didn't matter if I got all the way over. It didn't matter if I fell over. At least I had tried to do handstand for the first time in 15-odd years.

And that's what I did. Little bunny hops, little jumps and I laughed the whole time.

Happiness is in your hands, no one or anything else is responsible for your happiness.
I need to keep reminding myself of that everyday and at least now I'm very aware of that "Flight" feeling and I am beginning to work out ways to help me work around it.